Dear Connor Murphy
by LonelyLostBoy12
Summary: Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen were as close as friends as friends could be. But no one is supposed to know, so when the Murphy's confront Evan with the truth, he blocks off. He just lost his best friend, he doesn't want the attention.
1. Chapter 1

_**Dear Connor Murphy,**_

That's how all my letters begin. First the _Dear _part, because that's just what you write at he top of a letter. That's standard. Next comes the name of the person you're writing to. In this case, it's Connor Murphy. I'm writing to my best friend, my only friend. Before Connor, it was just me and my mom. A run in at a book shop, and somehow we became friends.

My dad left when I was seven, he's off in Colorado with his new family. My mom doesn't talk about it, she likes to pretend it never happened. She tries, she likes to leave notes around about how my day will go or advice. All sounding they came from her daily horoscope. If she doesn't leave notes, she'll try to cram it all in during out daily conversations. It's all nonsense if you ask me, but I guess, for my mom, her horoscopes give her some hope and guidance. That's what Connor likes to say for the most part. These letters started as that for me, I suppose.

Speaking of which. After the greeting comes the actual meat of the letter: the body. My first line is always the same.

_**Today is going to be an amazing day, and here's why**_

Positive outlooks yields positive experience. That's the basic concept behind the letters. Well, that was the concept to begin. Before Connor. The letters started to myself, for Dr. Sherman.

I still edit them, submitting them as _Dear Evan Hansen_, instead of to Connor. Dr. Sherman gave me the idea for the first line, Connor thought it was hilarious. The assignment was what inspired out exchanges.

_**Because today is all you have to do is just be yourself. But also confident. That's important. And interesting. Easy to talk to. Approachable. And don't hide, either. Reveal yourself to others. But not in a pervy way, don't disrobe. Just be you, the true you.**_

I wouldn't send this to Connor, it was solely meant for Dr. Sherman. But it helped. It helped to feel like I was talking to Connor when I write this. Connor is understanding, he doesn't automatically think to make fun of me. He listens. His the only one that does. When he saw that letter... He was the one that told me to message him if I ever felt negative, if I ever needed to unleash. Even if we don't tell others, it's nice. Our own little world, away from the drama or pressure.

Great, all this thinking got my hands sweaty again. It's easy to get my nerves up, the smallest things. I can even just think myself into yet another moment. Trying to wipe my keyboard left me with _csxldmrr xsmit ssdegv. _And now my arm is sweating too. The sweat will end up sitting under my cast, no air getting in, and soon my cast will take on that smell, the slightest whiff of, especially on the first day of my senior year.

Deep Breath.

I reach into my bedside drawer. I already took my lexapro this morning, but Dr. Sherman says it's fine to take an Ativan, too, if things get really overwhelming. I don't use it as often as I used to, but it's still needed. I swallow the Ativan down, relief on the way.

That's the problem with writing. I start off on the direct route, then I always end up taking detours. Wandering into the sketchy neighborhoods of my brain where nothing good ever happens.

"So you decided not to eat last night?"

It's my mom, standing over me, holding the twenty-dollar bill I didn't use.

I shut my laptop and shove it under my pillow. "I wasn't hungry." I lied. That's what I've been doing a lot lately.

"Come on, honey. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I'm at work. You can do it all online now. You don't even have to talk to anyone."

The thing is you do. You have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door. You have to stand there while they make change and they always pretend like they don't have enough singles, so you're forced to decide on the spot whether to tip less or tip more than you planned.

"Sorry." I say, I can't tell her that I had eaten. That I wasn't home. I don't think she'd like the idea of ice cream for dinner for one.

"Don't be sorry. It's just, this is what you're supposed to be working on with Dr. Sherman. Talking to people. Engaging. Not Avoiding."

Isn't that what I just wrote in my letter? Being your true self. It's not like I'm always hiding... I just can't be anything else but fake Evan with everyone else.

"Speaking of Dr. Sherman." She says, circling my room with a wondering gaze. "I made you an appointment with him this afternoon."

"Today? Why? I'm seeing him next week."

"I know." She says staring down at the twenty-dollar bill in her hands. "But I thought maybe you could use something a little sooner.'

Because I choose not to use her money on night. She thinks I didn't eat. I should have pocketed the money so she wouldn't have known, but that would be stealing from her, and Karma's a bitch.

Maybe it's more than the unused twenty. Maybe I'm giving off an extra-worrisome vibe that I'm unaware of. I stand up and check myself in the mirror. I try to see what she sees. Everything looks to be in order. Shirt buttons are lined up. Hair has been tamed. I even took a shower last night. I haven't been taking many showers lately because it's such a pain to have to cover my cast, first with plastic wrap, then the shopping bag and duct tape. It's not like I get dirty anyway. The few times I have, its been when I was off with Connor. Ever since I broke my arm, that reduced some.

I notice another thing. I'm biting my nails. I know why, it's not hard piece it together. After the summer of just me, isolation, with my only friend, it's time to enter the world again. The groups, the cliches, walking through trying to be as invisible as always. The short, secret glances, or passing moments.

"What happened to all your pins?" She says.

I turn and face the map on the wall. When I started working at Ellison State Park this summer, I got into the idea of trying to hike all the best trails in the country: Precipice Trail in Maine, Angel's Landing in Utah, Kalalau Trail in Hawaii, Harding Icefield in Alaska. I had them all marked on my map with different colored pins. Black were the ones Connor said he'd hike on too. But after how the summer ended, I decided to take them all down- Except one.

"I thought I'd focus on one at a time," I say. "The first one I'm hoping to do is West Maroon Trail."

"And that's in Colorado?" My mom asks.

She can see it on the map, but still, she needs confirmation. I give it to her. "Yes."

The breath she takes is painfully showy. Her shoulders practically lift up and touch her ears before they drop down even lower than they hung before. It's a word you have to be careful about using in our house, just like _dad _or _Mark._

Mom turns away from the map, and presents me with a face that is meant to be brave and carefree but looks exactly not those things. She's wounded but still standing. That makes two of us. "I'll pick you up right after school," She says. "Have you been writing those letters Dr. Sherman wants you to do? The pep talks? You really have to keep up with those, Evan."

I used to write those everyday, then I just started talking to Connor. I slacked off, and I'm pretty sure Dr. Sherman told my mom, which is why she's been nagging me about them lately. "I was just working on one," I tell her, relieved to not have to lie for once.

"Good. Dr. Sherman is going to want to see it."

"I know. I'll finish it at school."

"Those letters are important honey, they help to build your confidence. Especially on the first day of school.'

Ah, yes. Another clue for why she thought today in particular warranted a visit to Dr. Sherman.

"I don't want another year of you sitting home alone on your computer every Friday night. You just have to find a way to put yourself out there."

It's not like she's home often enough to know if I'm really home or not.

She spots something on my desk. "Hey, I know." She pulls a sharpie from the cup. "Why don't you go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast? That would be the perfect icebreaker, wouldn't it?"

I couldn't think of anything worse, it's like panhandling for friends.

"Evan."

"Mom, I can't." The only one I won't minding signing it wouldn't want to.

She presents the sharpie. "Seize the day. Today is the day to seize the day."

This sounds like a horoscope. "You don't have to add today. Seize the day already means seize today."

"Whatever. You're the wordsmith. I'm just saying, go get 'em, eh?"

Without meeting her eyes, I sigh and take the sharpie. "Eh."

She heads for the door, and just when I think I'm in the clear, she turns with an uneasy smile. "I'm proud of you already."

"Oh. Good."

Her smile sags a bit, and she walks off.

What am I supposed to say? She tells me she's proud, but her eyes tell a different story. She ponders me like a stain on the tub she can't wipe clean no matter what product she uses. Proud of me? I don't see how that's possible. So, let's just keep lying to each other.

I open my computer and read what I've written so far.

_**Dear Connor Murphy**_

Sometimes I just prefer writing to Connor than to write out the letters for Dr. Sherman. I don't see why I don't now. I'll just finish Dr. Sherman's letter during school.

_**Today's gonna be a good day and here's why...**_

_**First day of school, I'm not ready. I don't think I ever would be. My mom made an appointment for today after school with Dr. Sherman. I don't think I can meet up after to the Orchard, but we'll see? **_

_**I took an Ativan today, first on in quite a while. How are you?**_

_**I'll spy you in the halls?**_

_**That was weird, I'm sorry.**_

**_Sincerely_**_**, Me.**_

I hit send, closing my computer. Slipping on my sneakers, and shrugging on my bag, I swipe my phone off the desk and make my way downstairs. Before I'm even out the door to the bus stop, my phone goes off.

_**Dear Evan Hansen**_

The smile slides on my face before I can stop it, even if we don't talk in person at school. We still have each other to make it through the day.


	2. Chapter 2

I'm finished at my locker, I'm just standing here pretending to look for something. There is too much time before the bell rings, and if I close my locker now I'll be force to hang around. I'm awful at hanging around. It requires confidence, and the right clothing and a bold, but casual stance. Robbie Oxman, aka Rox, is a master at hanging around. Always whipping his hair out of his face and keeping his legs shoulder-width apart. He even knows what to do with his hands. Four fingers inside his jean pockets, and thumbs through his belt loops. Brilliant.

I want to do what Dr. Sherman and my mom keep asking. engage, but it's not in my DNA. It's even a wonder how I managed the strange friendship between Connor and me. Not that I would admit it, I'm sure he wouldn't either. When I walked on the bus this morning everyone was either talking to their friends or staring down at their phones. Once I googled how to make friends, and I clicked on one of the videos that popped up. I swear I didn't realize until the end that I was watching a car commercial. Now the bus rides are less awkward, when I look to my phone I'm not really faking it. Sometimes I am, as I wait for a response, but normally Connor is there.

Unfortunately, it's now time for class. I shut my locker, not to loud but not to soft. I force myself to move exactly one hundred and eighty degrees, I keep my head low enough to void eye contact but high enough to see where I'm going.

Kayla Micheal is showing off her invisilign to Freddie Lin, i could ask one of them to sign my cast. But no offense, I don't need signatures from kids that register as low as I do on the relevance meter. I pass by the twins, not actually related they just dress alike and the Russian spy, at least I don't have a nickname... That I know of. Or Connor knows of, knowing his sister he would have heard of it by now.

Vanessa Wilton is talking on the phone, probably to her agent, she's been in local commercials. Up ahead two jocks are literally wrestling on the ground, and there's Rox outside Mr. Bailey's class. He's got one thumb in his belt loop, and the other hand on Cristian Cabiaro's I heard Cristian was with Mike Miller, but he graduate last year, on to the next I see. They're making out now, it's very wet, don't stare. I need to remember that sometimes.

I make a pit stop at the water fountain, I've already forgotten the plan. Let people see you. How am I supposed to do that? Carry around sparklers? Hand out free condoms? I'm just not the seize the day type. Over the running water I hear a voice, I think the voice could possibly be talking to me. I stop drinking, there is indeed a person standing next to me. Her name is Alana Beck.

"How was your summer?" She says. Alana sat in front of me in Pre-calc last year, but we never spoke. Are we speaking now? I'm not convinced. "My summer, mine was productive." Alana continued before I could speak.

"I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, wow."

"Yea that's wow, that's-" She cut me short.

"Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends, or well Acquaintances more like. There was this girl name Clarissa, well Carissa, couldn't hear her that well. And then Bryan with a 'y', and my adviser at national black women leadership training camp, Mrs. P, and also-"

The only time I heard Alana's voice last year was when she was asking or answering questions. Which she does, incessantly. Mr. S would ignore her consistently until he'd realize her hand was the only hand up, and had no choice but to call on her. Again. She's got brovado I'd never have. Not to mention a very committed smile. But in another way Alana Beck and I have a lot in common. Even with her class participation and her gigantic backpack always slamming into people, she goes around this school the same way I do, unnoticed.

Seize the day, mom says. Fine, here goes. I lift my cast up "Do you maybe want to-"

"Oh my god!" Alana says. "What happened to your arm?" I unzip my backpack and dig around for my sharpie.

"I broke it, I was-"

"Oh really? Mu grandpa broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end the doctor says, because then she died."

"Oh, that's terrible."

"I know right." She says, her smile never wavering. Maybe Connor was right about her. "Happy first day!" She turns and her backpack knocks the sharpie out of my hand. I bend down to pick it up, and when I'm right again Alana is gone... And Jared Kleinman is in her place.

"Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honor?" Jared said much too loudly. "Paint me a the picture, you're in your bedroom, lights off, smooth jazz in the background, you've got Zoey Murphy's Instagram up on your weird off brand phone."

Zoey is Connor's sister. I used to have a little, maybe not so little, crush on her. Jared knows, but I can't now. It's too weird, Connor's my only friend and Zoey isn't worth losing him over... Right.

As for JAred, we have history. His mother sells real estate, she's the one that found my mom and me a new place to live after my dad left. For a few years there the Klienmans would have us at their swim club in the summer time and we'd go to their house for dinner. Once for rosh hashanah. I even went to Jared's bar mitzvah.

"Do you want to know what really happened?" I ask.

"Not really." Jared says. Somethings driving me to say it, to share it with someone that wasn't there. Maybe just to set the record straight.

"No I was not stalking Zoey Murphy's instagram, what happened is I was climbing a tree and I fell."

"You fell out of a tree, what are you, like an acorn?"

"You know how I was working as an apprentice park ranger this summer?"

"No, why would I know that?"

"Well anyway, I'm sort of a tree expert now. Not to brag. But I saw this incredible forty foot tall oak tree and I started climbing it and I just..."

"Fell?" Jared says.

"Yea except it's a funny story because..." I pause, rethinking that day. Connor. Can't mention him. "There was a solid ten minutes after I fell when I was just lying there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me and second now I kept thinking, any second now."

"Did they?"

"No. Nobody came. That's what's so funny."I lie.

"Jesus Christ." He looks embarrassed for me, but hey I know how pathetic it sounds. I actually didn't have to wait, Connor was there. Like he always was. But I can't say that...

There's a lot going on in my head right now. Grandmothers' are passing away, I have dark spots from the fountain spraying me, I have to respond to Connor, and I still haven't made it to my first period. Where I'll have to answer to Mark for at least forty-five minutes. This is what I get for trying to have a conversation with Jared Kleinman, who once laughed during a lesson on the holocaust. He swore he was laughing to something unrelated to the horrific black and white photos that the rest of use were gasping at.

And I believe him I guess, but still. I'm pretty sure the guy doesn't have a conscious. Jared hasn't walked away yet so I ask a question I stole straight from Alana Beck's mouth. "How was your summer?"

"Well my bunk dominated in capture the flag, and I got to second base under the bra with this girl from Israel whose going to like be in the army, so yea does that answer your questions?"

"Actually..." The sharpie is still in my hand, I don't even know why I'm even bothering with this cast signing thing, but here I go anyways. "Do you wanna sign my cast?" He laughs. He laughs right in my face.

"Why are you asking me?'

"I don't know, because we're friends?"

"We're family friends." Jared says. "That's a whole different thing and you know it." Is it? I've played video games on Jared's couch. I even changed out of my bathing suit in front of him. He's the one that informed me it's not normal to wear your underwear underneath your bathing suit. Fine we don't hang out like that anymore, and only ever spent time together with our families around, but those memories still count for something... Right?

A family friend is still a friend technically.

"Tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you or else my parents wont pay for my car insurance." Jared says and walks away.

Jared is a dick. But he's my dick. I mean no, that's not what I mean. Not like that. I just mean he's just not the worse ever. He acts like he's the shit, but he's not totally convincing. He's tortoise shell glasses and beach bum shirts don't quite fit him right and the over-sized headphones he keeps around his neck aren't even plugged in.

That being said. he's whole look is far better than I could pull off. I make it to class just as the bell rings and find a seat. I prefer to be in the row closest to the door at the back of the room out of sight and near the exit. As I'm getting situated, I feel a slight sens of accomplishment. No names yet on my cast, but I've already interacted with more people that I did the entire first month of school last year. How's that for seizing the day? Who knows, maybe today will be an amazing day after all.

Before the class officially starts, I type out a quick message to Connor. My accomplishment might not seem like much to others, but I know Connor will understand. I barely manage to hit send before the Teacher starts speaking.

* * *

**AN:**** Ayyy look an update! **

**I have been planning to update this but my problem was that I was parroting the book in a sense and writing as I reread chapters so there would be parallels and nothing would be too out of character,but then I had to return the book to my local library and haven't been able to check it out again because it's in constant requests. **

**So I spent so long trying to find a copy online of the novel, but I couldn't. And I can't afford to buy my own copy yet, but luckily I was able to get a free Audible subscription trial and got a free book with it. of course I picked DEH so I could continue. It's a little weird hearing it and typing from it because I can't read ahead and cut out parts that don't need to be included or figure out where to add small details but I managed. The whole story isn't just going to be rewrites of the chapters, I will be adding in my own, just need the book as a starting point and not be completely off in my writing. **

**I appreciate those who reviewed, Particularly Stella because you actually revisted my story and left another review which I really appreciated. I hope you guys enjoyed today's chapter! I'll be cranking out the next chapter as soon as I can!**


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